Twilight
by hewhoistomriddle
Summary: Or the ItaShi adaptation thereof. Cracky.
1. Chapter 1

**Notes: **I had to read twilight again. Although... I enjoyed it. XD I fail at AUs – why the hell does it still have elements of canonverse?

Shisui POV.

**Disclaimers: **Masashi Kishimoto and Stephanie Meyer. Both of whom would be appalled.

* * *

**TWILIGHT**

**Or the ItaShi Adaptation thereof.**

**

* * *

**

_I've never given much thought to how I would die – that would be indulgent – but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this._

* * *

I arrived in Konoha without much fanfare – the fangirls they said would be waiting apparently defeated by the downpour. It's a large village under the constant cover of mist and rain – _climate change_, too many lightning and wind-jutsu's revving up the atmosphere – it looks like Ame, except less fashionable, more imposing. I spent missions here until I turned fourteen, when I was suddenly too good to be true, and it's here I exile myself now – the reason ultimately being involvement with a great plot to overturn the Mizukage and needing to go underground – to my great horror. Because Konoha sucks.

The Sandaime had been a sport about the whole thing. Mind you, he needed me. The Konoha ninja roster had a frightening total of three hundred fifty-seven individuals on it – some mentally imbalanced, most maladjusted – I was the _shunshin_ from sundrenched Kirigakure, agile, competent, totally gorgeous. I expect they'd be falling all over me any day soon.

My first glimpse of the mission office and I was surprised – it was more pleasant than I expected, Konoha was secretly the butt of everyone's jokes regarding malevolence/vengeance, the same way Kumo was about airheadedness. The megalomaniacs were nowhere to be found.

It was then, in the lunchroom, trying to convince skeptic strangers that my hair just naturally fell that way – all sexy you know – that I first saw him.

He was chalky pale, young and boyish, very dark eyes and hallowed cheeks. Inhumanely beautiful or not, he totally creeped me out. He looked at me – _stared , _I tell you_, stared – _and acted so damn hostile I wondered if I little mundfucking with the doryoku was in order.

_Uchiha Itachi_, my reluctant guide explained boredly, not looking away from his porn, immediately assuming that I was interested. Psah. _Intelligence Unit_. _Well~ you're lucky to catch him here. He usually takes lunch with his siblings._

_Siblings? _I prod, logically concluding that a guy like that may have some absolutely fine-looking sisters, who may always be interested.

_There's Itachi and Uchiha Sasuke, and the Hyuugas, Neji, Hinata and Hanabi. Adopted of the medic-nin Tsunade. Kids are at the academy – you'll recognize them by the freaky eyes – and they all look like that, broken-doll-like, makes you want to molest –_

_Enough, Kakashi-sempai. _I wasn't about to add paedophilia to my file.

* * *

As luck would have it, my first mission was assigned with Itachi. He was glaring me down again, like I'd massacred his entire family, fists tight and clenched, full of revulsion.

If he wanted to look like he was in pain, I'll show him pain. But I restrained myself. Honorable and good, that's me.

This was going to be a _long _year.

* * *

XDDD

ONE CHAPTER. THAT IS MY LIMIT. BELLAAAA, why do you grate on my nerves so?

Posted before I lose my nerve.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes: **This broke my brain at about the same level as designing an antiviral assay then realizing that "Careless Whisper" has been repeating in my headphones for a while. Ohhhhgodddd, whyyyyy.

**Disclaimer: **Masashi Kishimoto and Stephanie Meyer. "Twiblight" to coincident. Again, all of them would be appalled to actually see this.

* * *

**Twilight**

**...or was it Twiblight?**

* * *

The mission could have gone better, way better.

For one thing, I shouldn't have gone drinking with all my new compatriots. I had a headache the size of Suna when I met Itachi, who positively growled when I reported to his higher-ranked ass. Despite the mud, I noticed his breastplate shining like it was freshly polished. The guy clearly had no life to speak of.

He fixated on his family. That's what I heard – I didn't ask, by the way, but you know how ninjas talk. It's a weird family – renegade, always on the move, holier-than-thou – the mom's a knockout, apparently, which is absurd at her age. It's not genjutsu either – though some people still insist it is – but a freaky anomaly. The younger kids are polite and well-behaved at the academy, which means they're go S-class psycho all the way, and Itachi usually is. He doesn't usually growl at people out of the blue.

Which means there's something about me. It must be because I'm gorgeous.

The mission was simple, clean-cut and impossibly dangerous, something I could totally write to Mei about. It involved taking out this gang who called themselves the Onions, which is simply _what the fuck_, dangers to society, yaddayadda. Easy.

But then Itachi says, "You shouldn't have come here."

"Well, it's like this you see," I drawl, just to fire up the drama. "I've a kill-on-sight order on me in Kirigakure. Real complicated stuff, lots of paperwork to get it taken off, much better to hide up here while heads cool."

"You're endangering Konoha," Itachi pressed, like he cared.

_Who was he kidding? _I roll my eyes. Konoha was the granddaddy of all Hidden Villages. No one would dare.

"Besides," Itachi said, almost an afterthought. "You don't like it here."

_So he can read minds now?_

"I don't," I agree readily. "Too rainy, too flighty, too many grumpy people. But life's unfair like that."

"Is it?" Itachi asks. "I wouldn't know."

And ugh. What is this dark, emo atmosphere hovering over him?

I laugh flippantly. Which was a mistake.

I totally gave away our position.

* * *

"You're lucky you had Uchiha for a partner," said Shizune as she fixed me up. She's nice, really, but a bit daft. Uchiha Shisui needs no partners. But then again, she was used to the level of the Konha ninja, plus passably pretty, so I forgive her.

"I could've Shunshin away in time," I told her starchly anyway, just so she wouldn't get any wrong ideas. She shrugged and left me to ponder.

And I needed to ponder. Whatever the hell Itachi did earlier, it was faster than Shunshin. And that wasn't – _forgiveable_ – logical. It was weird – no burst of chakra at all – not a jutsu, nothing I'd ever seen before.

"Shisui?" I turn my head, and I think I ogle. She was blonde and busty, so much more than your average kunoichi pin-up, and my brain plain refuses to process that she's Itachi's _mother_.

"Are you shitting me?" I ask then, not intelligently. She wallops me clear across the room.

I notice two things while counting the bones that aren't broken: (1) there's no burst of chakra there either, and (2) Itachi's actually prettier than her, though not by much.

Ohohohoho. Things were getting interesting.

* * *

_End._

Notes: If Bella had been the least bit funny, I would've liked Twilight. Seriously.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes: **It's funny how close I wrote this to giving up on Treasure, which may seem like an affront, but it's not. Treasure is a _serious _fic (yeah, right) and requires meticulous care, while _this_ - this is plain parodying. It doesn't require brains nor pride nor anything, which appeals to me.

**Disclaimers: **Masashi Kishimoto and Stephanie Meyer.

* * *

**Twilight**

**Or the ItaShi adaptation thereof: Twiblight.**

* * *

I dreamt of Itachi.

He's wearing a powder blue prom dress, and deathtrap shoes, and tripping all over the place. I'm almost afraid to face him the next morning. Shinobi training would've let me kept a straight face through everything but this.

Somehow I managed.

I nearly lost it though, when I saw him act a mother-hen with his siblings. They looked like him – same skin, dark hair, odd eyes, bones like birds. Sweet really.

He got icy again when he saw me, _stay away _vibes at full force. The children – horrible darlings – mimic him and suddenly I fell like I'm facing an execution squad. There's only one kind face in that bunch – a girl I totally would've picked up in a heartbeat if it didn't seem so wrong – and I leave post-haste.

* * *

I get wounded on a mission and Itachi's acts like an agitated cat with all its hair on end. I would be touched if it were concern. It's not – he's absolutely horrified I can taste it. I think if he weren't such a leech for responsibility like the good commander that he is, he would've fled.

I am honestly disappointed. He's an ANBU captain, the first decent one I've met in a while. How can he be afraid of blood?

An idea so fantastic it's actually possible takes root in my head.

In my indignation of the Shunshin being usurped, I've been investigating techniques that don't require chakra. Here's the thing – there are _none_ (bar Maito Gai's extremist taijutsu, which I immediately rule out on instinct). It was possible that it's a special type of chakra, or a different way of using it. So I wrote Mei – believe me, that girl doesn't run out of connections – for sensors.

_Zilch. _As empty of chakra as a... corpse.

I didn't want to think about it, I would have happily lived my life without all the spooky Halloween stuff, but the aversion to blood confirms it. I stagger in my seat, completely awed by my own ingenuity.

When I said I thought he had no life, I hadn't meant this at all.

After all, what creature is undead and horribly pale and shivers at the red liquid of life?

Ohmygod, Itachi's a goddamn zombie.

* * *

_End._

Notes: ItaShi fans - please don't hunt me, even if I deserve it. DX


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes: **I realize only now that Twilight is totally wish fulfilment. I can't begrudge anyone that. So I deleted the entire rant.

**Disclaimer: **Masashi Kishimoto and Stephanie Meyer.

* * *

**Twilight**

**Or the ItaShi adaptation thereof: Twiblight.**

* * *

There are no secrets in Konoha, and that's how I heard about Bi-weekly Camping Trip and Missing-Nin Headhunt Itachi's family undertakes. It's said to always ends in failure – they come back blood-smeared and empty-handed – but I know better. They did hunting all right.

It still makes my hair stand on end – and appear sexier than usual – whenever I think about it. It defies the principle all shinobi live with – the _you-live-and-you-die_ concept, the _you-go-down-and-stay-down_ idea, the _someone-offs-you-too-bad-that's-it_ ideal – and that just irks.

So I just don't think about it and instead act as irrationally as always.

I pounced recklessly. "So, Itachi, need any more campers? It gets cold at night, you know, and you never know when you might need for warm bodies."

I meant to imply that they were cold and lifeless shrouds, but somehow it came out sort of come-hither. I had forgotten I was a natural-born charmer.

Itachi said no. I suppose it was with reason. If his sisters saw me, they just might die all over again. And his mother might burst a vein – if she still had those.

I gracefully bowed out, not discouraged at all.

* * *

I spent the weekend with Namikaze Minato. He was a swell guy, his wife was a hottie, and he lived in the only sunny spot in the entire Village. I took my sunbathing seriously, like I needed to photosynthesize, so I forced the invitation.

It helped they had an impressionable son who was in the same class as Itachi's siblings. Reconnaissance while keeping my sunglasses on, excellent. I pry with his mind carefully – because, for all their sunshiny goodness, no couple scares the shiz out of me as his parents –

Bah. It's useless. The entire mind is.

Then something hit me. I think it might be a Bijuu.

It's worse – Kushina was there, and the way she's seething, there's no way I'll convince her I was only playing pat-a-cake with Naruto.

"It's not what it looks like," I explained in rapid fire, highly aware I'm facing the bloody Habanero. "I'm trying to save your husband's village here, before it becomes something like the night of the living dead."

Kushina stopped, looking surprised, and I'm instantly suspicious. The foxy lady knew something. "What makes you think that?" She said finally.

I took off my sunglasses. This required eye-to-eye seriousness. "I know everything. They're zombies."

"_Zombies_?"Kushina shrieked, laughing all the way. She even doubled over. I am suddenly not sure I want to pledge my allegiance to someone with a wife like this. "Where do you get such outrageous ideas, Shisui? They're only vampires."

Who's being outrageous? I glared archly at her.

She sobered soon enough, which is more than I could say for her husband, the lightweight. "Since you already know that much, there's no harm in telling you the rest."

_This_, from the woman who declared to swallow down her own tongue before leaking information? Motherhood definitely sucked something out of her.

"There are stories, like the fox-legends in my family, and there's gossip. My great-grandfather – the first Hokage –" I raise an eyebrow at this, because I'd heard the man was gay as gay can be, and therefore not inclined to have offspring. "He knew some of them, even struck a deal with one, a treaty of sorts. They were tired of yapping like age-old enemies are prone to do and formed this village. He let them stay, so long as they do the hunting somewhere else – preferably Iwagakure."

I am startled by the depth of this deception. "Does – does everyone know this?"

"Oh no, just us higher-ups and gorgeous people," Kushina winked. "Make sure it doesn't go around or I might have to make Minato kill you."

"Fine," I agreed (_completely_, in the case of her first assessment).

* * *

"Hey sucker," I greeted Itachi the next time we meet, because I'm really a fucking wit, and watched as he went completely still.

* * *

_End._


End file.
